Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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