I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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