In America we eat man semen.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Randomize
