Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Randomize
