Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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