I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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