things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
