That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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