Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
