Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
i've created a new STD.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
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