last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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