I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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