My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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