Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
