just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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