While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Randomize
