I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Randomize
