Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
