lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
