i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
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