I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
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