Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
