everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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