in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
