This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
