I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
