When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
