Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
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