i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
