I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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