im having a threesome with these popsicles
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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