you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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