Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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