I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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