textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
i already hear my dad disowning me
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
