Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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