i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
