he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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