my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Randomize
