he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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