do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
