Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
