Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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