return my video game
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
