Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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