There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
