I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
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