how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
