You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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