This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
