If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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