Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
