sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Pants 0. Shit 1.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
