Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
