literally had 100 drinks last night.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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