I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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