Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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