Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
