What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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