my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
