i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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