Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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