I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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