People with herpes should wear stickers.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
