it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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