is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
