Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Randomize
