We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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