Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
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