I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
