Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
