Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize