Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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