just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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