if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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