I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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