Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
